Trying Yet ANOTHER New Thing.

http://a-tes-souhaits.tumblr.com

Go :)

4/14/09 - Part of my Day At BSM :)

From a while ago.
Forgot to post.
My baddd.
-Alexa:)

4/14/09 - Part of my Day At BSM :)

From a while ago.
Forgot to post.
My baddd.
-Alexa:)

CHANGE!!!!

I used a video editer!!! So no my videos are A) More interesting B) More smooth and C) LESS BORING!
Enjoy :)
Alexa.

OH NO! SPRING BREAK IS OVER!

:( I'mma miss it.
-Alexa.

SPRING BREEEAAAKKK :D (Blog 4!)

Nuff said.
Alexa :)

No Video Today.

Let's keep it brief.

1. Spring Break started today... Hoorah...

2. I worked my ass off all week so I wouldn't have to worry about any homework during vacation.

3. I have eaten tons of popcorn and had numerous sodas and a chocolate shake... So much for staying healthy.

4. I really just need a shoulder to cry on.

Not having a moment to look at myself and breathe really sucks... Until it actually happens. Then I thank the sweet thing that I call fate, which pleasantly gives me a busy life so I don't get wrapped up into my emotions.

Until I crack, that is.

Good Day. Bad Night.

Nuff said.
-Alexa Jane.

Today was Boring.

Haha. This was really pointless.
More in a couple days.
-Alexa.

First Video Blog! :D

:D Here you gooooo! FIRST VIDEO BLOG!
Tell me if you like written or video better!
Please and Thank you :)
-Alexa Jane.

I Wanna Scream, Until No Sound Comes Out and You Learn Your Lesson.

I don't even know anymore.

Everything is going round and round faster and faster and I'm finding it hard to stay on my toes.

I'm so confused I can't even cry.

And believe me, I have plenty of reasons to do so...

I don't understand why I said that I give up... Cause I obviously can't. Ever. It's totally unnatural for me.

But I don't know anymore. I've been acting very uncharacteristically, lately.

I need sun. Air. And sleep. But it looks like I'm going to have to get out of this hole I dug for myself first... Great.

Letting Go and Breathing Deep.

It's difficult to do sometimes. But I've found that it helps more than anything.

--

Friday night into Saturday was the best time that I've ever had with the BSM team.

Sleepover at Josie's.

Tish, having her first smore.

Kicking ass at Guitar Hero :D

Leaving Sterling a voicemail at 3 AM.

And so many more things. To tell them all would ruin it!

--

Sunday was just a good day. It was nice to remember what I live for.

The feeling of when he looks at me :) Ahhhh.

--

Great. Now Monday had to come and ruin all that joy.

Poop.

Things.

There are things in life worth doing.

And I feel like I'm not really doing anything.

There are chances in life worth taking.

But I don't feel like I'm leaving anything up to chance.

There are phases in life that need to change.

And I'm not giving myself any room to get out of this phase.

--

I really can't tell what's been wrong with me.  I feel very bipolar sometimes because I can force myself to be happy, almost hyper and just flat out psycho, yet later I can go and be down and not know what's wrong.  Is it because I'm not getting enough sun?  There's this thing called SAD and that stands for Seasonal Affective Disorder, and it's like, when your body is deprived of sunlight and it can actually make you depressed to see cloudy weather all the time.  Cause, last week we had all this beautiful sun and I felt so great, but now that it's going away, could that be why I'm not feeling great?

Or could it be that I'm just stressed out. Overwhelmed with basketball and school and managing friends, the boyfriend and family?  Nah.  I've always been good at juggling activities.  I really don't think that's it.  It could very well possibly be it, but it's just gotta be something else.

But my last theory, and one of the most probable, is that I'm not happy with where I am.  Like school-wise.  Did I actually make the right choice going to BSM?  I love the school.  The education is amazing and I'm actually getting decent grades for once, but really?  The fact that I don't really have as many close friends as I'd like to is kind of throwing me for a loop.  I'd go into more, but I really don't think that I really need to.

--

So, now I feel better that I kind of wrote about my troubles. How about we write about the good things in life now, hm? :)

As everyone knows, Valentine's Day was last Saturday :) And I was lucky enough to spend the day with the amazing boyfriend, Sterling.  First thing we did that day was jump in his parent's car and go to Pierce's (Sterling's brother) first basketball game back, since his broken foot. And after the game, we went back to his house and watched Transformers--greatest movie to watch on Loveday, because it has ABSOLUTELY no relevance. :P We cuddled a lot. And then after the movie, Sterling had soccer practice, which was cancelled because his coach had been in the hospital or something. (And it's really weird because I found out that my dad KNOWS his coach. And I actually met him. Totally insane, right?) And after that, I got picked up and whisked away to Noodles, where we enjoyed a fast dinner and quick ran over to the movie theater across the street. And I think the greatest part about that whole night was when I stuck the box of chocolates in my coat and put my hands over my stomach. Man I looked preggo. :)

We went and saw Push, which is a really intense movie. I liked it a lot :)

So yeap :) That's life for you. 

More later.

-Alexa Jane. :)

I've Got Two Dimes and My Heart, is that Enough to Buy Your Love?

So, last time I wrote, I was kinda frustrated.

But it's all over now. I'm okay.

--

Things are looking up, but I'm not going to write about them now.. Wouldn't wanna jinx it.

I'm getting ready to go team bonding. Minnesota Girls Gopher game vs. Iowaaaa!

It'll be a blast.

--

Last night, I went over to Sterling's. Amazing.

--

I've been in the mood to give people advice lately.

--

My blog is starting to look like my boyfriends... Wow.

--

I like coffee and coke :)

The Opposite.

As soon as I'm up, someone's down.

I can't take it. What do I do?!

There is nothing. That's exactly why I HATE being happy...

Sadness seems to follow whatever joy I take pride in.

And I can never help any of it.

The world is just twisted. 

Ughhhhhhh!

Opening My Eyes Once Again.

Once upon a time, I used to know everything that was going on in the world. I used to know who was who, what was going on that day. I used to watch the news almost everyday. I used to read the paper on Sundays. And for some reason I got out of that habit. And I really regret it...

This semester, I'm taking Geography, right? Well, our first subject is East Africa. And since the countries in East Africa include places like Sudan, Ethiopia, Kenya and Somalia, we began studying the topic of The Lost Boys of Sudan. This is really what got me to start thinking about looking at the world outside of the places that I know directly.

The Lost Boys of Sudan are a group of boys, originally from Sudan, who were chased from their homes during a civil war in their country. The north came down and attacked the south, decided to kidnap all the women and children into slavery or adopt them into their families, and kill off all the young men, or make them sterile to prevent the breeding of Christians. 

There were about 27,000 boys traveling together through Sudan with no food, water or shelter. They had nothing but the clothes on their backs and each other to rely on. They would eat the leaves of the trees and sometimes they would have berries. As for what little water they had, they would drink it from small pools of sitting water, which were normally contaminated. Many of the boys died of starvation as they walked. Others died of the parasites from the water.

Finally, after they finished their 700 mile walk, they reached a refugee camp in Kenya. No one knew how long they had been walking. Was it two months? Two years? It felt like centuries to them. At the refugee camps, the boys didn't have much of a better life. Some of the advantages were that they had the option to get an education, they got food and there was a place to sleep at night. The disadvantages were that there was only one meal a day and it was almost like a prison for the boys. The same old thing every day.

Many of the boys stayed at the refugee camp for nearly ten years. Until the camp decided they had been there too long. That they could not support them anymore. Many of them had no where to go. No one had any idea as to if their families were alive or not. All they had was their fellow Lost Boys.

Some of these boys got lucky though. The U.N. offered some of them the opportunity to move to America and live among us, and pay off their debt as they work and become citizens. Many of these boys suffered from a huge culture shock. Never having running water, electricity or even things like potato chips.

I got the chance to meet one of these Lost Boys today. His name is Ting Mayai. He goes to University of Wisconsin Madison and is going to get a PhD. He's only lived in America for 8 years and he's already come so far. But he cannot forget all of the things that happened to him back in Sudan. And no one can blame him.

This act of genocide started over twenty years ago and still continues today. This is what opened my eyes and made me realize how many things are going on in this world that I don't know about. So, I think it's time for me to declare my New Years resolution... Even though I'm a month late.

My New Years resolution is to be more informed about global events. Watch the news as much as possible, read the paper and discuss these things with other people. I'm sick of being ignorant. It's time to turn things around.

Relationships.

There's something about bonds between people that bothers me. Bonds can be broken just as soon as they are built. I don't understand this at all.. How can two people, so determined to stay friends 'til the end of time, let everything fall apart over the minor issue of different schools. Or how the unwritten rule between family members, about how they should always be there for each other and never back down in a time of need can be so easily broken. There are people out there that know how much I miss them, and I know that they miss me too. But it's almost as if there is no effort to make things better. On my part, nor theirs.

And that's when I begin to understand that it is apart of the natural cycle of life. People get close to some while others drift away, and this cycle repeats until there are those who are bound to stay. I think I've found some of these people, but it is still hard to see the others go.

But when these relationships fade with an immediate family member, it's really hard to take. There is nothing that should ever fade between family. They should always be there. Period. No excuses, no exceptions. There's nothing that irks me more than seeing someone so dear to me push them self away.. Further and further as I try to pull him back but his fat stubborn ass just keeps pulling himself away. I don't know what to do anymore. I've been struggling with this for the past year and I've run out of ideas. Everything just keeps repeating itself. I'll say something, get choked up about it, he'll freak out and then we'll get in a huge fight. Period. What do I do? Stand back and watch this happen? Ugh. I dunno. I need ideas.... But I have a feeling nothing will work.

-

On a lighter note, school this week is going to be interesting, considering it's Catholic Schools Week, and we do a lot of stuff that involves the history of BSM and we don't really have to work too hard.

-

Best of all, I really am in love. L-O-V-E. Love. Done.

Sterling has made things a lot easier. And I love how I can go to him with anything without being judged and without worrying about him wanting to run away from me screaming. It's all I can ever really ask for. Thank you. For everything..

Weekend Warrior or Lazy Lion?

This weekend has been.. A muddle of good and bad things. Mostly good, though.

-

Friday was one of the lower points, well, the morning was anyway. I kept waking up at odd hours of the night thinking it was time to get up. Ugh. So, I only got about 5 or 6 hours of sleep tops. And then when I got to school I could not stay awake throughout any of my classes! We turned the lights out in Geography to watch a movie on "The Lost Boys of Sudan" and I kept nodding off! But then, by the end of the day, I was wide awake and totally excited for my Religion class. Not for the class itself, of course, but for the kids in my class. We are the troublemaker class. And I'm really excited to see how the rest of the year is going to turn out :P

After school, I had basketball practice, which I participated in for about 15 minutes before my knees started hurting so bad that I had to sit down and ice them. The rest of practice consisted of watching the other girls work hard and talking to Kackie, who got a contusion in our game against North Branch the day before. Afterwards, I went over to Josie's house and ate dinner. Ahh! This is where it got fun :)

We were planning on going to the girls Armstrong basketball game, to see some old friends and just hang out. Well, Sterling was doing pep band that night, so I figured, I'd surprise him a little by just showing up. FAIL! Marlee saw me come in and told Sterling that I was there before I got the chance to freak him out. The rest of the game was fun, I just hung around with Sterling and Marlee and Colin and other such peoples. I felt bad for leaving Josie behind, but she understood. 

After the game, Jo and I went to her house and made cookies and played video games :D It was bomb. Eventually we fell asleep to MTV, and woke up to Mr. Dillon making us french toast and deer sausage. Oh man. Deer sausage is amazing. What would I do if I had never had deer sausage?! THANK THE DEAR LORD THAT I NEVER BECAME A VEGETARIAN! I cannot describe how amazing it is. 

Later that day, we played DeLaSalle. And lost. Yuck. Another low point.

-

Last night was probably the best part of the weekend though, I went over to Kristy's and got to hang out with a lotta amazing people. Including the boyfriend. Highlight of the night - Slowdancing :) Nuff said.

A Day In History

Today marks a very important day. The one year anniversary of my mother's death. And it was overall an okay day. It also went much better than I had expected in the first place. In the morning Josie gave me a huuuuuuge bag of cookies! :) And I could not stop eating them, they were so DAMN good! And my classes went well. My teachers seemed to be in relatively good moods and my friends were being chill about the whole thing too. After school we had a get-together in my coach's classroom and Mr. J (Campus Minister) came in and led us in a prayer because of the special day. And the girls all pitched in and bought me this beautiful locket necklace as a gift. It was amazing. Later I had a game, and it was a really intense one, except for the fact that my knees have been killing me the past few days. :P All the girls wanted to dedicate this game to my mom, so they painted their nails green and tied green ribbon to their shoes as a tribute to her. Because green was her favorite color. That really made my day memorable.

But tonight, Kackie fell on her elbow and has a severe contusion, but we're all hoping she feels better soon. It was really scary though to see her crying on the floor, clutching her arm when I walked out of the locker room.

Best thing about tonight though, was that Sterling was able to come and watch the second half of my game :) Ah. Too bad I didn't really play much, but it was still nice having him there. And then I got to hug him. It really meant a lot that I could see him on this... odd.. occasion. And I really owe him for all the things he does :)

--

Tomorrow should be fun. After practice I'm going to Josie's house and we're having a sleepover :) It's been too long and I can't wait. I better get some shut eye. Tomorrow might be a longggg day.

Night :)

-Alexa.

rip - Sally Ann Hansen <3

Thinking.

Lately I've been thinking about what a year is..

When an event happens. Is a year the third monday of the same month the next year or is it the same day, like the 21st. I've been thinking about this too much considering the monumental one year mark has sprung up since the accident and death of my mom.

Which also leads me to thinking..

What have I done in this past year?

And that's when I realize that I really have done a lot. I passed all of my classes with B+ or higher last year. I managed to have a boyfriend for eight months, and since then have only dated two people. Last summer, I went to places like Kansas, Illinois, Wisconsin, and Iowa to play basketball. That was a blast! Then, I got offered a lotta money to go to a very good private school. Which I now attend, happily and unhappily. I play varsity now. Sure, I don't get as many minutes as some of the other girls, but it's quite an accomplishment for me to be there. I've managed to effectively help raise my sister. It's the end of a semester in high school and once again, I don't think I have a grade lower than a B+! And most recently I have found myself in a relationship with a wonderful boy. :) He makes everything easier.

-

I wonder what she'd say. If she saw me right now. Sitting in my cluttered room hovering over my laptop pondering how I've been doing without her. There are so many things that I've done wrong. So many people I have disappointed. Yet, I don't think she would be mad. There's something in my heart that's telling me that I'm doing the right thing. That I should keep going. Stay strong. Make it through and shine like the sun in the end. And that's exactly what I intend to do. Of course there are going to be those days where I get the mean reds ("The mean reds are horrible. Suddenly you're afraid and you don't know what you're afraid of." - Breakfast at Tiffany's) but I'll make it through, just fine. Just you watch.

Possibility of the L word?

You smile for no reason, stare off in the distance and drown out all the bad things in life. The world looks a little brighter when you get up in the morning, and you realize there's something different about you. You look healthier, feel stronger, more awake. You can't wait until he wakes up so that you can get a text from him to start your day. You never want to go to bed because you could talk to him for hours. There are so many things you want to completely spill to him, but you only cover the small parts, afraid of scaring him away with all of your problems. You don't care what you look like anymore, unless you're going to be with him. You never know what to do with your hands if he's not holding them. Nothing is ever as comfortable as laying down with him. There's something in his eyes that is so fulfilling, but he's the only person that you can find that in. He's always there and always knows what you mean, and somehow you know, you never have to worry as long as he's there. There is nothing else that can make you this happy, and when you miss him, you feel as if you've never missed anyone else in your entire life.

It's this feeling that sends butterflies to places other than your stomach. It's the feeling that you've never felt before, that everything is right, even though it's not. There's something that has been missing until this very moment. When you find it. And you see it when you look back into those eyes. And that is the moment you consider it. The treacherous, wonderful, beautiful thing called Love.

It's one of those fairytale romances, that never seemed possible. One of those things you stumbled upon. Something that wasn't planned. Something that didn't take time. It was just there. In one little thought, the possibility grew. And then, you realize, this is something you don't want to let go. You know you never will, but you take the precautions anyway. 

When you feel like this, you just can't describe it. But it's something that doesn't need describing. You can see it, knowing you don't need a picture, because there are more than a thousand words running through your head. But only one is needed to cover it all.

Love.

Still so bad at keeping up !

Sorry sorry sorry ! I didn't know I would be so forgetful again! Let's get to it, shall we ?

---

Winter break was fun. Very first night was a Friday and I had prolly the coolest experience in the world. Now, if you don't like Ouija boards, I suggest that you skip to the next paragraph because it gets pretty freaky.. So, it was me Laura Kosch, Kackie Dankbar, and Josie Dillon in Laura's basement with all the lights off and the Ouija board glowing in the dark. As we said our prayer, we felt the excitement rushing through our veins. There was something so scary, yet so exhilarating about the whole experience.

We started out by asking questions like "What is my basketball jersey number?" or "How old is my cat?" And it got every single one right. After we used up all the easy ones, we had trouble thinking of questions. So, I came up with one that was going to make this night the craziest one of my life. I looked at all of them and smiled.. "I have an idea, but it's going to be scary." They gave me the go ahead and I spit it out.

"Spirits of the Ouija board, is Sally Hansen present with us in this room?"

Now, hopefully you all will know that my mom is Sally Hansen. And she passed away nearly a year ago now. So, that is why this whole thing was such a big deal.

As soon as I asked the question though, the gas fireplace we were sitting by turned off. I started breathing heavy and my heart raced, but Laura reassured us that it was probably set to turn off at a certain temperature. So, we went back to watching the dial move slowly across the board. Eventually it stopped on 'YES!' That was when the fun began.

After that, we asked if she had anything that she wanted to say to me, and the board spelled out 'HI.' Which was quite peculiar until, all the sudden, out of nowhere, Josie starts singing. 'You are my sunshine, my only sunshine.' My heart took another jump forward. This song was one that my mom had always sang to me when I was a little tyke. It was really creepy too, considering Josie didn't sound like herself at all, and she didn't know a single thing about my mom singing me that song. So, then we asked the board if it was my mom singing through her and it went to yes once again. By this time, Laura had turned completely silent and Kackie was beginning to panic. Josie was staring around out into space like she wasn't even there and I was smiling like crazy. My mom was talking to me! She was there! But, since Kackie was scared that something was going to happen to us and Laura was pretty much exhausted and in shock, I decided that we would say goodbye to my mom and the spirits. 

We went back to the huge couch where we were all planning on sleeping and turned on the lights. Josie looked like she had all the sudden woken up and gotten a ton of energy, and Kackie looked like she saw a ghost. I was feeling so alive, I couldn't stop shaking. Plus it was cold since the fireplace turned off. When we went back to the couch, though, we were shocked. Two water bottles that had been sitting in an empty bowl, were now in different places. One on the floor and the other stuck in the couch cushion. That was really scary, because no one touched them.

Then, Laura proclaims, "NO WAY!" And we all turn to look at her. She was holding the remote to the fireplace, and it was on, and said that the fireplace was supposed to be working, and that there was no temperature for it to turn off at. So, we all were amazed.

Later that night, I was telling them all about the accident I got into with my mom and when I was finished, I stood up to turn the lights off, and as soon as I took a step forward, the power went out. All in all, scariest night of my life. And I LOVED every minute of it.

---

Now, we move on to the rest of my break! That Sunday, I dressed up and went to Olive Garden for a formal dinner with the NAAAMRCD(+Alex)! And we had a really great time. We shared secret santas and plenty of memories. The rest of that week was pretty mellow, I had a really good and bad Christmas. The bad part was that it was the first Christmas that I had to spend without my mom, and I couldn't be with my lovely two year old sister, because she was six hours away and there were snow storms separating us from each other. But the amazing part about it was that I got to know a wonderful boy and I found out that we shared feelings for each other on Christmas Eve. (THANK YOU MARRRRLEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!! :)) There was a lot of texting and skyping involved in that whole process.

Then, I hung out with some friends and went to see Yes Man with Sterling (The boy mentioned above.) And Colin and Marlee. Great movie. Afterwards, shopping was fun with Marlee and Kristy.

Seriously, all of these people make me wanna transfer to Armstrong soooo badly.!

---

NEW YEARS !

BEST NEW YEARS IN MY LIFE !

HALLELUJAH !

:)

Pretty much just spent the whole night with Sterling, and then at midnight, when the ball dropped, he gave me a wonderful kiss. :) I was already bashful, and then he had to go and throw in that wonderful question.

He asked me to be his girlfriend.

First minute of 2009.

Ahhhhhmazing :)

So, that's really all I have to say.

I would go into detail about my boyfriend, but it's late, I have a basketball game tomorrow (4-4 :/) and I have a date with him after, so I should prolly rest up. :) SO, I'll do that next time.

So, goodnight. And I'll try to post sooner next time.

Love, 

Alexa